"And I'll never be there when you stumble..."

[jadegirl]

In Which Our Heroine Proceeds To Whine.

So skip this, why don't you, and go play one of the lovely games here. They are soft and pretty things, most worthy of a quiet night.

It's really gotten me down, how something about me inspires people to feel so much anger towards me. It's happened often over my years online, and always, it seems, for the same reasons. It really had gotten to the point where I felt unable to write a sentence without a paragraph of disclaimers proceeding it. One of the many reasons I left the more conversation oriented forums of the internet, and now confine myself to here, where it's a choice people make, to read my words or no.

It's hard to try and look back over the sheer volume of what I've written in various forums, and try to figure out exactly what I was trying to say, and the ways in which I was saying it. Really, it seems almost fruitless. I feel like I can safely say that I have meant no harm, and it has *never* been my intent to set myself up as 'other', or 'special'. Of course, my honesty is usually up for debate as well, but there's naught I can do about that.

I'm likely going to drop the list. I can't remember the last time Sir brought it up, and I talk to people on it but rarely, and usually only in regards to what is written here. Or, I may not, and simply excercise a little more discipline in avoiding actually reading it. I think I can manage *that*.:) All in all, this is just silly psychodrama. So why am I so saddened by it?

Escobar has a reflection here as well, but it's certainly not a useful one. I have tried to be authentic in so many arenas, have tried to find commonality, community, relationships in so many arenas, only to have it backfire. Escobar was simply another of these, with larger repercussions.

Ach, enough with the angsty inner teenager, already.

We are trying to bring back your regularly scheduled Jade, but seem to have misplaced her. Updates as we have them.

Comments

[fifthconundrum.livejournal.com]

Perhaps you are so saddened by it because it is part of your vocation to please and serve another, and any indication that you are not doing so is a major blow to the meaning of your life.

I used to fret extensively when others took offense at the things I said and did. It still worries me, but not nearly as much as before. In recent years I have seen people take offense no matter what I said, no matter how much I rephrased my statement, no matter how much I lowered my voice, no matter how well I "spoke their language". I've even come across people who will refute me when I tell them my intentions, as if they know my heart and mind far better than I ever can. So I've come to the conclusion some minds are simply closed to certain things--mine is, too, I know--and nothing I say or do is going to open them. So rather than trying to figure out how to open their minds, I leave them alone in the midst of their (mis)perceptions. Very often that means allowing them to have the last say, and that last say is very often full of judgments I would love to refute. But I don't, because I know it won't change anything, except that I'll get even more frustrated than I already am at that point. Instead, I vent in my journal or have an imaginary conversation with them in my mind, which diffuses the frustration, sometimes after several iterations. It's less frustrating that way.

[jadegirl.livejournal.com]

*Exactly.* You've hit the nail quite squarely on the head, both in your description of why it's so troublesome, and the processes that keep me there.

Thank you.

Jade