Don't tear me down...

[jadegirl]

Interesting night. Yesterday was of course Sir's big family get together, this time held at a new apartment overlooking Central Park *is envious*. Much roomier than the previous local, and beautifully decorated - our hostess had spent a great deal of time in Turkey, so the pottery and textiles were just beautiful, and the apartment had great 'bones', too - lots of built in shelving and closets. *is very envious*

We have a smaller event today, Sir buys a wild turkey, his parents bring leftovers and food-gifts, and I make pie. When his sister and family are in town they join us, but tonight it was just us and his parents, mine stay home with an old family friend since after years of family Thanksgivings they prefer to be as low key as possible, and Mom's coming up in a few days anyway. Dinner was great, of course. After dinner conversation was even better.

Many people, as some of you know quite well, have commented on my reserve, how hard I am to get to know, and I've mentioned my own confusion on that. We talked some about that, and some of the causes are obvious - I have 2 sisters who refuse to be in contact with me for reasons I don't understand, a past that makes trust relationships a difficult process for me, the usual boring trauma baggage.

However, I learned something new. While I've always been aware of myself as hyper-intellectual, only over the past year have I really even been able to see myself outside of that strict Apollonian shell - at rock concerts. In line, meeting the band, waiting for the show I'm silent, observing, maybe smiling softly at the bandmembers, or quietly thanking them for their work. Once the music starts? I'm screaming. Me, screaming. If you've met me a few times, you're probably surprised. Screaming, jumping up and down, hair flying, head thrown back, fists upraised. I am *beautiful*, wild, fierce and strong. The Apollonian is gone, the Dionysian is unleashed, and I am *so* *grateful*. It's the music, the energy of the performer that holds me up, lets me let go of self-consciousness, fear, smallness. I am so very, very grateful. Being able to feel so unleashed is an unspeakably extraordinary thing, an exquisite gift.

When Sir and I were going to the good leather clubs and doing scenes more regularly it would happen then, as well - if we hit that groove and I just let go, once again, I became beautiful and wild. When I'm dancing and it's coming easy, then too. Only rarely, very rarely in my yoga practice, which I'm going to have to examine, to see if I can bring out.

Something like it happens at Faeriecon, like it, but different. I feel larger than my small, everyday self, but is more a sense of luminousity, something in me being able to shine out. I feel *safe* at Faeriecon, no one is going to laugh at me, or think me silly - that seems like a small, petty way to describe something that's really quite important, but words aren't coming.

I was asked if it happened in my meditation practice, and I had to say no. *Something* happens, once again when it's going well. There's a sense of 'largeness', expansiveness, (language is hard to find for this), but not that wild beauty. It's still Apollonian.

That shows work I need to do. Somewhere deep in my brain I hold the Apollonian self as safer than the Dionysian, maybe even better, which is a useless attachment, especially when I can't *help* but describe my Dionysian self as beautiful, which, let me tell you, is a shocking thing to find myself saying. Beauty and I have a distant relationship.

I'm really glad we had that talk - I've learned a lot about myself. It's somewhat nebulous, I'll admit, but I really feel like I'm clutching something in my meditation practice, forbidding myself to open into a less controlled space.

Comments

[wordweaverlynn.livejournal.com]

This sounds like an important revelation.

[littleblueworld.livejournal.com]

I've missed your presence here. You are such an interesting, aware, and alive person. You never cease to stop me in my tracks a little in your realness.