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Jun. 28th, 2007 04:23 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jadegirlMany thanks to everyone who gave birthday wishes! I'm quite quiet about my birthdays in general, because for many, many years they were awful, awful things. Yesterday made up for all of them. The presents were lovely and lavish, of course, but the truly stunning thing was *everything* went right. The weather was hot, but not unbearable, the farmer's market was filled with flowers, and all in all, everything just went perfectly smoothly, something unheard of for a birthday of mine. It's even more startling when one considers that for much of NYC yesterday was filled with blackouts, transit delays of *hours*, and heavy thunderstorms, complete with flooding. Each time a thunderstorm passed over us, we were happily inside, either home napping, or at dinner, enjoying a lovely meal. Complete, calm perfection. Wow.
So now I'm 30. As much as I hate copping to it, and as much as it'll probably earn me the exasperation of older friends, until now I haven't handled it overly well. I've got some tangled emotions about aging, as I've written about extensively, and those came rampaging into the forefront of my mind as my birthday approached, and I descended into the 'chick-lit' stereotype of a woman on the verge of turning thirty. Luckily, upon the day itself it was quite far from my mind. I know I'll have some struggling to do in the coming weeks, considering my stunning lack of personal role models (my mother's response to aging has been an extraordinarily brutal self deprecation on the topic - we *don't* talk about it, or the old roommate who had her 29th birthday 3 years in a row, and *meant* it), and old memories (the fencing teacher who told me I was much less interesting when I turned 18). Age, after all, does not equal maturation, and I guess I simply haven't matured enough to discard those messages. That'll come, though.
It's hard not to feel a certain sense of satisfaction, though. I'm in a better place in my life than I've ever been, and it just keeps getting better. My 20's seem to have been greatly involved with putting a firm foundation beneath my feet, so my desires for my 30's are to take that foundation and build upon it - I am by no means where I wish to be with my interior life, or my artistic life, but I don't wish to waste this time of recriminations and self doubt - that won't *get* me where I wish to be. The past was about building something to stand on, the future shall be about doing, now that I have good ground beneath me.
So now I'm 30. As much as I hate copping to it, and as much as it'll probably earn me the exasperation of older friends, until now I haven't handled it overly well. I've got some tangled emotions about aging, as I've written about extensively, and those came rampaging into the forefront of my mind as my birthday approached, and I descended into the 'chick-lit' stereotype of a woman on the verge of turning thirty. Luckily, upon the day itself it was quite far from my mind. I know I'll have some struggling to do in the coming weeks, considering my stunning lack of personal role models (my mother's response to aging has been an extraordinarily brutal self deprecation on the topic - we *don't* talk about it, or the old roommate who had her 29th birthday 3 years in a row, and *meant* it), and old memories (the fencing teacher who told me I was much less interesting when I turned 18). Age, after all, does not equal maturation, and I guess I simply haven't matured enough to discard those messages. That'll come, though.
It's hard not to feel a certain sense of satisfaction, though. I'm in a better place in my life than I've ever been, and it just keeps getting better. My 20's seem to have been greatly involved with putting a firm foundation beneath my feet, so my desires for my 30's are to take that foundation and build upon it - I am by no means where I wish to be with my interior life, or my artistic life, but I don't wish to waste this time of recriminations and self doubt - that won't *get* me where I wish to be. The past was about building something to stand on, the future shall be about doing, now that I have good ground beneath me.
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Belated!
Date: 2007-06-28 08:59 pm (UTC)I am looking forward to 30 without reservation. All my days just keep getting better & I am more at ease with myself. My friend, on the other hand, is at the edge of a breakdown because of his impending decade change. He states he was at his best in high school. I think to myself, what a lousy place to have peaked.
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Date: 2007-06-28 09:09 pm (UTC)And yay for having good ground beneath you! I wish you all the best this decade, and in the decades to come. :)
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Date: 2007-06-28 09:13 pm (UTC)I think the thirties are a good decade for building upon the foundations created in our twenties. I know I used them for that purpose.
When I turned 30, my sister called me to wish me her condolences. Why, I asked? I'm not having any trouble with turning 30.
Her reply? Hey, you turning 30 now means I turn 40 next month! :)
Anyway, I'm glad it was a good day. And it does keep getting better, says she who's realising 50 isn't that far away.
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Date: 2007-06-28 10:05 pm (UTC)I get weird about againg too, but then I try to remember that the only alternative to aging is death so...uh, I guess I'll take growing older.
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Date: 2007-06-29 12:30 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-06-29 02:02 am (UTC)...and I forgot about the 'Fencing Instructor'.
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Date: 2007-06-29 03:57 am (UTC)Also, you have no idea how many years I've had to resist the urge to buy you a doormat emblazoned with the words "Hi. I'm Mat." I don't usually like puns, but...hee.
'Fencing Instructor' - eh. Too bad that's one of the clearest memories of him I have, aside from that singular, glorious double-kill I managed to score when I was visiting from college.
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Date: 2007-06-29 04:10 am (UTC)Door Mat ---- GROAN!!
I know the feeling of getting that special shot on a top notcher. Like the week before I left California I all but slaughtered the top fencer after years of being on the bad side of one-sidedness.
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Date: 2007-06-29 03:28 am (UTC)They're better.
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Date: 2007-06-29 05:36 am (UTC)When I turned 40 (three years ago), I threw myself a big party and invited lots of friends. One of my much older friends asked what age I was turning. When I told her, she said, very sweetly and warmly, "You're just a baby!" Then she continued, "Don't you feel like you're just now figuring out what you want in life?"
Yeah, I was just figuring it out. I'll be figuring it out for the rest of my life.
I hope you enjoy the figuring out process as much as I do! It's an adventure...
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Date: 2007-06-29 04:09 pm (UTC)I'm glad to hear it was lovely.