(no subject)

[jadegirl]

Ah, the update page seems to have been cleaned up.

I've had a lot on my mind during my downtime, so this entry may seem scattered. Sir and I went to his parents for coffee the other night, and the conversation led me to some interesting insights....Well, not insights exactly, more things that have been quietly raising themselves up to my awareness. B and C had spent the weekend at a workshop on gender, power, and class, and they had a lot to say about it. Sir is interested in going to this event when it next occurs, and the conversation turned to my own discomfort with it. C described the interactions - 'checking in' (stating your emotional state, what you hope to get out of the event, what's going on in your life, etc., etc.), random interpersonal dialogues, and a lot of emotional processing. My reaction was strong, and very negative - my arms moved over my chest, and my hand covered my mouth. C commented casually that she knew it wasn't the sort of thing I would be comfortable with, which led me to wonder about the 'signals' I give off in regards to such things. She's quite right, it's *not* something I'd be comfortable with, in fact it sounds terrifying. The weight of so many strong emotions, the (entirely internal, I know) pressure to be as self-revealing, and the fear of being seen, without protection, without my masks. Too close, much too close. I just laughed it off, saying "I'm an emotional firestrom all by myself, I can't cope with being in the middle of a generalized one." I just typed that out, and a little whisper came up in my mind; "That sounds so cowardly. Aren't you tougher than that?" Harsh, perhaps, but perhaps not. I don't know. I do know that at some point I'm having trouble identifying, I became afraid of people. I wasn't always that way. Sure, I have/had more than my fair share of social anxiety, but this is something more....primal, almost. Visceral. "Just leave me alone>", I say to the world. "I'm quite happy over here, in the quiet." I am, it's true, and it's not as if I'm totally isolated, just seriously lacking in the face to face contact department. I have friends who are quite dear to me, dearer than I believe they even realize, it's just my primary mode of contact is here, through this. I've got some conflicts around that - there's an opinion I've seen a great deal of that seems to state that online interactions/friendships/community is somehow invalid, especially when contrasted with face to face interactions. While I don't believe that has to be true, it does feed seeds of self-doubt.

That leads to another line of thought, one that's been on my mind for some time. I'm developing a theory of sorts, one that likely only works for me personally, but hey.:) It can be difficult to feel out how to conduct a friendship, particularly one I want to have/experience deeply when the medium for contact is primarily online. Part of it is the self doubt from what I've described above, part of it is my own anxieties about having strong relations. Hmmm....I'm having trouble making sense, it seems. More later, perhaps.

Comments

[iswari.livejournal.com]

I've never been through that particular training (are you talking about that ongoing training, or just some single week-end workshop?), but....having experienced the process more generally, I can certainly understand why it'd make you uncomfortable. You are definitely seen, in that circle, and not necessarily in ways that are pleasant. Personally, I feel like it's a good thing for me, even though I find it challenging. It's probably one of the only places where I've actually cried in front of a group of people (which is another thing that falls under the category of 'mortifying' for me, for sure!). It is a vulnerable space, and yet...I also feel there is some layer of protection around it. It honestly amazed me, some of the intense stuff that got said, and then everyone still somehow feeling so present and connected at the end of the week-end. I feel some of those same social anxieties and even the pull toward isolation, especially when I'm dealing with difficult emotions...but there is another part of me that finds this healing.

Difficulty feeling out how to conduct a friendship? What do you mean? What is the anxiety for you about having strong relations?

[jadegirl.livejournal.com]

As I understand it, this event was the culmination of an 18 week series of events (I think). It was held by Be Present, if that helps.

I think I've got a lot of self-examination ahead of me around the whole idea of emotional exposure, being seen. etc.

The difficulty I was talking about in the conducting of friendships relates to where the primary contact takes place - for a lot of the friendships I feel very strongly, there's a good bit of physical distance, so Livejournal and email are the primary modes of 'conducting' the relationship, as opposed to the more 'traditional' ways of being in a friendship, getting together for parties, tea, or otherwise just spending time together face to face. Some of my tangled thoughts on that relate to the idea that an online interaction is somehow 'less real' than a physical interaction, which I personally don't agree with, but do think about from time to time, the 'seeds of self doubt' I mentioned. It can be easy to enact a friendship face to face in ways the text medium just doesn't allow for; touch, facial and physical cues, or just simply being in each others presence. I sometimes find not having the availability for that frustrating, and limiting, as if I can't be/have as good a friend online as offline.

My anxiety about having strong relations....That's a big thing, and some of it is fairly recent, the dissolution of a friendship that sucked a great deal from me, both emotionally and financially without any real exchange going on - to put it bluntly, I got used hard, and very hurt by that. So, there's a certain fear that people may be only interested in what they can get from me, only be friendly towards me while I am supplying them with something they want. Another aspect is that I don't attach to people easily at all, but when I do, I feel very strongly towards them, a deep and abiding love. Of late, and especially in regards to relations that are primarily online, it can be hard to know how to express that, and there's a lot of childlike/childish(?) fear that the feeling is not/will not be returned.

[iswari.livejournal.com]

I wonder if it was the same Be Present institute that my friend Jade just finished. Was it in Atlanta, two week-ends ago? More soon on the rest...

[jadegirl.livejournal.com]

Yes, it was. A lady named Jade was mentioned as being there, although no specifics about her, of course.

[iswari.livejournal.com]

I've written of her in my journal. She's a very special person in my life. =)

I thought I'd remembered C saying something about B doing that, the same time as Jade.

[danaewhispering.livejournal.com]

Jade, thank you for sharing your words. They always touch me and make me think.

[liana]

Eep. I don't think I could ever do a workshop like that, either. My reaction to it isn't as strong as yours, but the concept does turn me off. For me, emotional processing involves self-honesty, observations of internal self, and observations of self-in-context. Very little input from outside sources is welcome, and that only rarely and from someone absolutely trustworthy. I just don't care to be "in the face" of a random (by which I mean, "not self-selected") portion of society, nor do I want miscellaneous representatives of society to be in my face. Maybe it boils down to isolationism or elitism or fear to some, but I simply find much more value in a smaller number of closer interactions. Focus and depth are important to me. Finding a personal barometer among the general public is... not.

[fifthconundrum.livejournal.com]

I feel the same. I spent most of my life being bombarded by and trying to appease others' intensely negative (and often incorrect) assessments of me and have only regained a real sense of who I really am in the past five or six years. As a result, I am fiercely protective of my emotional processing. I carefully pick and choose, what, if anything, I share with others while I am working through my feelings on something. That may surprise people, because people tend to feel I am very open, especially online and in my LJ. I am very open, and the reason I am so open is because I have carefully selected what to be open about. I like for my openness and processing to be entirely on my own terms, though, and not subject to the whims of a group of others who are right in my face.

[liana]

I spent most of my life being bombarded by and trying to appease others' intensely negative (and often incorrect) assessments of me and have only regained a real sense of who I really am in the past five or six years.

Oh, does that ring a bell. I got divorced in 1996 and that finally spurred me to a major personal, emotional, and spiritual reasessment.