"Closer now, see the revelation..."

[jadegirl]

Ode to My Family, Part the First of an Infinite Series. (really, humor is the only way I can stay sane right now)

Not so long ago I remarked upon what seemed like a fallow period in my self examination, a still point where all was quiet. Well, that's over, and it can get ugly in here at times. Sometimes I wonder (even though I know it's crackheaded) if getting my interior house in order is worth the mess it causes...I just remembered something firinel said a long time ago, about there being a point where everything looks horrid, but that's required, to make it better than before. That helps.

I had a bit of an altercation on the phone with my mother this afternoon. The conversation veered, and even when I pointed out she was hearing things I was not saying and contradicting herself right and left, she just kept going, spiraling into hysteria. It was a simple conversation, one we've had before, about needing to talk over the particulars of what she wants in the case of needing long term care. From there she essentially (and rather suddenly, as we've talked this over without conflict before) told me to fuck off, and she'd just 'grin and bear it', whatever that means.

I finally reached an understanding that will likely be obvious to many here - tremendous amounts of my energies are deeply entangled with my family and I get *nothing* in return. Hell, I can't remember the last time I was asked "How are you?" My family is deeply sick at its core, and if I am to continue to work with the parts of me that have been sickened by growing up in that environment, I have to distance myself. Not completely...yet. It may come to that, for a while, for forever, but I'll take that as it comes. In the meantime I have to come to understand and accept that for my mother at least, she is the center of the universe, and nothing else really matters. That's quite a pill to swallow - we're (I think) indoctrinated with the idea that our parents are supposed to at least 'care' (whatever that means) about how we feel, even if neccessity requires they do something that causes pain.

Hmm...I find myself having a hard time expressing myself, and I know exactly why. When the drama around my father refusing to get the cardiac cath began, I got a comment on an entry that hurt me pretty badly, accusing me of things I specifically made a point of acknowledging were *not* going on, and also of selfishness regarding my family. Apparently that comment got under my skin more deeply than I had thought at first, because now I find myself questioning my right to feel anything about any of this at all, almost a "Why should my peace of mind be something they care about, why should any of my feelings be something they care about?" On one level I feel like that's crackheaded, but I get recursive, and feel...I don't know, that I should just shut up and swallow it, or just cut strings and move on without...what?

Shit. I've managed to confuse myself deeply here. Damn.

Comments

[chorus.livejournal.com]

In reverse order:

Lock your entries on the topic, get into the habit of doing so on sensitive ones, and get into the habit of thinking you have a right to pick and choose who to share things with.

Next, Tina Explains her Opinion on Emotion, Action, And the Difference Between Them (and Yes, That Required Capital Letters):

There is no such thing as a "right to feel" anything. People who think otherwise either already have large sticks up their posterior or really ought to. You have a right to feel whatever the hell you feel. It's what you do as a result of it -- and "do" does not mean "muse about in journal", it means "alter behavior in specific situation" -- that matters. And even that is only subject to other people's opinion. You have the "right" to act as stupid as, say, someone who tells you you don't have the right to act stupid.

It's one thing to say to someone "I think you've made a wrong choice here" or "I think what you've done here is bad". But that's decidedly different than saying "I think what you feel is bad and you should be ashamed of yourself". We do not choose our emotions. They are not rational, and they therefore by definition don't listen to reason. Sometimes, emotion even has a way of taking over the mouth and causing things to fall out of it; it's a tricky little bastard that way. The trick is to keep it from doing that except in an appropriate time and place. Like, say, your personal journal.

People who don't want to deal with the idea that someone might express emotion in their personal journal can, not to be crude or anything, go fuck a crazed pack of wild, rabid ferrets.

Finally:

I don't know if this helps any, but I haven't spoken with my mother -- and, consequently, anyone on that side of the family, which I may regret in one or two instances -- for half my life now. For different reasons in specific but ultimately same in scope. Sometimes... it's just not possible to develop a working relationship with someone.

[magnifelyn.livejournal.com]

You know, there's a reason the Ten Commandments only instruct us to honor our father and mother. Love your neighbor, they tell us. But in parent/child relationships, the most that can be required of us is respect. i'm impressed with the wisdom of that; it's very realistic.

You deal with your parents honorably. You are mindful of your responsibilities to them. You honor their position. That is all that's required of you.

The sad truth is that many parents will never be able to fulfill our needs for caring, companionship, approval, or even love. For whatever reasons, they are simply incapable of the kind of adult frienships we'd like to share with them.

If your parents' craziness is hurting you, then it's time to reevaluate your expectations of them. Time to accept the fact that they have limited capabilities. Time to accept them as they are, and to give up how you'd like them to be. Trust me on this one: they will not change. But you can!!

Try to identify the things you wish your parents could give you. Support? Caring? Listening? Understanding? Then give up on expecting those things from them. And then, seek these things in other relationships. There are so many people in the world who can and will be true friends to you, Jade. A lot more than your parents can be.

You may be surprised to find-- as i was-- that your relationship with your parents improves after you give up your expectations. i think it frees them, relieves their suffering at failing to be the parents you wish they'd be. And it takes the guilt and disappointment away from you, allowing you to get your needs for love and friendship in other places.

[jadegirl.livejournal.com]

Thank you very, very much for this. Your words feel right, and healing.