(no subject)

[jadegirl]

I seem to keep running into the same problem over and over again, and I'm growing rather weary of tripping over it. It's patently obvious to me that I have all the things I need for the good life I want right here at my feet, and I just seem to run into trouble when it comes to putting the pieces together. The core problem is always the same - energy. More accurately, the lack of it. I feel diffuse, scattered, unmotivated. I'm spreading my energies out too widely, but having a hard time tracking out where exactly everything is going.

The first part is a simple matter of time management - I spend a lot of time online, endlessly refreshing my friendspage, poking at blogs, and just mindlessly wandering. While it's true that my primary social interactions revolve around LJ, I think I would be better served by 'branching out' a little more in maintenance of those relations. After all, why on earth do I have a fountain pen and high end stationary, if I'm not going to use them? I think that'll go even further in maintaining and enhancing those relations than the most loving email, because nothing says that you're meaningful to someone than something you've put a piece of your *self* in, like a letter. It's kind of odd, really, how something that used to be the primary mode of distant communication has become something so much more.

The second part is more insidious, I think. I'm coming to understand that I pour a *lot* of energy into old hurts, friendships betrayed, the things that make me shiver late at night when the wind turns chill. It's a waste of my energy, truly - what's done is done, and there's nothing I can do about that aside from learn what I can and let it go. I don't really understand why I hold on to those old hurts so tightly, I can only hope I figure that out soon.

I also give entirely too much energy to my family. I tend to be the person they vent to, especially my mother, and sometimes that can be quite a burden, especially when I stupidly call her with a problem of my own, and she ignores it, in order to go on a tear of her own. Quite honestly, she's not interested in the life of anyone she can't take care of. I'm going to have to learn how to cope with that better, and not give her so much of myself when I get so little in return. That's going to be hard, I think - even though my upbringing amply proved otherwise, I sometimes can't help having an expectation of a reciporcal relation. I need to come to terms with the fact that that isn't there, and learn to hold myself apart from it.

I used to have a pretty good daily schedule worked out, but life threw a few monkey wrenches at me, and I lost my focus. I've also lost focus on my yoga practice - too many distractions. I think picking that back up will do me a world of good.

Comments

[chorus.livejournal.com]

"I don't really understand why I hold on to those old hurts so tightly, I can only hope I figure that out soon."

When you do, let me know. I have the same problem. :/ (I'm really good at saying "what's done is done" and even appearing to move on, but I always seem to find some way to get drawn back into it, however privately and however late at night...)

I lost my focus 1.5 years ago, and haven't gotten it back. By an odd coincidence, yoga's on my list of ways to try to regain it. If I can catch my breath long enough to start...

Hard, though, innit?

[jadegirl.livejournal.com]

Hard, though, innit?

That's for damn sure. Irresistable force meets immoveable object.

Catch your breath long enough to start? Are you speaking metaphorically, or literally? Considering the ways things are going for everyone lately, it could be either one.:/

[chorus.livejournal.com]

It was metaphorical. The drugs do a good job with the literal.

[gothwalk.livejournal.com]

Letters? Fountain pen? Damn, yes. I need to get back to writing letters. I wrote twenty-to-thirty foolscap epic letters when I was seventeen.

[jadegirl.livejournal.com]

Now that sounds lovely! I shall have to blather at you and inannajones in a letter soon.:)

[chelseagirl.livejournal.com]

I know from lack of focus; I'm gearing up to make this summer the most focused time in my life (we'll see how that goes) so I can achieve certain goals and move on with my life. But that's all about a short term sprint. I haven't got any great wisdom long term, alas.

Where do you study yoga? I'm quitting my gym (too pricey) and vaguely looking for a yoga studio. I don't think I want to go back to Sivananda (too limiting) and I don't think I'm quite ready for Jivamukti. . . .

[jadegirl.livejournal.com]

I seem to be pretty good at sprints in terms of focus, it's the long term change of habits and maintaining that that loses me. We'll cheer each other on, then.:)

In regards to yoga, I practice entirely at home. Most of the major studios have to high a student/teacher ratio for me, as I have a joint disorder that makes me *very* flexible, but also very prone to dislocation - a casual adjustment could have me off the mat for weeks. So I have a pretty good selection of CD's and try to keep to an evening practice six days a week.

If I'm being really honest, I'll also say I'm terribly cheap, and since I'd want to go at least three days a week, most studios are too expensive for me. I have been looking though, and Laughing Lotus Studio will be the first one I try, something about them really appeals to me.

[chelseagirl.livejournal.com]

Yes to cheering each other on for focus. I've already falled down on the job -- I was going to spend time on my freelance project today, but it all went to housework and my dissertation. The super redid our bathroom this week and things were too disrupted, so I skipped laundry day. M. had to borrow socks from me to go to work today so I thought perhaps it would be a good investment of time. (It was either that or go out tomorrow and buy him some more socks before work . . . )

Good for you to have the discipline to do yoga on your own! Now that we've subdivided our main room with bookcases, I think I'd run into the wall doing a sun salutation. I know what you mean about cost though; one of my friends spends about as much per month at Jivamukti as I have been spending at my too costly gym. Which one is Laughing Lotus?

[jadegirl.livejournal.com]

Well, to me that doesn't look like falling down on the job, just a rearrangement of priorities - after all, clean socks are pretty much required for civilized life.:)

Laughing Lotus isn't that much cheaper than Jivamukti - 15$ a class as opposed to 18$, but every little bit helps, I think. You can find their site here. (http://www.laughinglotus.com/)

Honestly, my issues are more with the class size at Jivamukti, (since people are hoping for glimpses of movie stars it can get a bit much at times) and with some finer points of philosophy on the part of the owners - I find them a bit dogmatic on issues like vegatarianism, for instance.

[chelseagirl.livejournal.com]

True -- I was going to say that the freelance has got a deadline, but so does the laundry, really. If I waited 'til Monday (my usual laundry day) M. might be wearing not only my socks but my underwear to work. And that far I don't think he's willing to go . . .

Hmm. Looked at the Laughing Lotus website -- R - 2 that's pretty convenient to me-- perhaps I'll check it out! Sivananda is only $8 a class if you join, and membership's only about $40, but they're not air conditioned (a big consideration in the summer) and now that I've studied elsewhere I think their classes are a bit formulaic.

I've heard that at Jivamukti they have little homilies during the classes. That's definitely not what I'm looking for at this point.

[ladyofthelog.livejournal.com]

I would *love* to be your penpal! (I enjoy writing letters greatly, and am possessed of one particular sets of heirlooms that I love dearly to use - my grandmother's nib pens from school in the 20's and 30's.)

[jadegirl.livejournal.com]

Well then, send me your address! :)