![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Nov. 30th, 2006 02:41 amIt's been awfully hard to make myself post, and even harder to comment when LJ is apparently buggy. ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
danaewhispering, I snagged #17 of your winter icons, and have credited you. :) To many others of you, it wouldn't be appropriate to repeat what I would say here, but please be assured I am reading, and thinking of you.
Just two days ago I finally figured out a large part of my reticence - somewhere along the line I became quite worried about how my writings might be taken by people on my friends list. Not that there's anyone who made me start thinking along such lines, not by any stretch, but it seems like there was an internal editor, going hyper-vigilant. If I was happy about something, particularly things relationship-oriented, I felt concern over those having difficulty in that arena. If it was financial happiness, or conversely financial stress, I felt concern over those who are in straits much, much worse than my paltry frustrations. If I was unhappy, particularly about marriage planning, or even generalized relationship stress, I felt unwilling to air dirty laundry. Take all of those concerns, and I'd have to take up fanfic writing to have anything to post about.
How to deal with this is rather difficult, because while I now can verbalize these concerns, I can't simply wish them away. However, I feel something lacking in my diminished presence here, and a small sense of loss of this as my space to say whatever I wish. I'm going to attempt to reclaim it as such, although I feel a lot of internal resistance at doing so.
That said...
Sir and I married on November 29. It was a small 'ceremony', if it even can be called that, in the living room of an old friend of Sirs'. Afterwards we went out to dinner with our officiant (aforementioned friend) and Sirs' parents, who were our witnesses. I wore my dark rose chuba, for those who are curious about such details, and Sir wore the vest I made him, at my request. We made no vows - when our officiant asked if we wanted to, I looked at Sir and said; "It's all been said." Our ceremony was a short series of questions, the frame of which I found in a web copy of a Buddhist ceremony, and emailed back and forth with Sir till we'd hammered it into our desired shape. There was some stammering, giggling, and a great deal of me looking like I'd gotten hit of the head with a board. (i don't know why, we've been together for nearly eight years already). While it wasn't the wedding I precisely wanted that's not really much of an issue - I'm far more interested in being married than getting married, it was still nice. It got the job done, which is the important part.
It's a lot like turning 13, or graduating college, it seems. Fussfussfuss, and then 'Wait...what?', an expectation isn't meant, because fundamentally, nothing is changed. He is still the planet I orbit, the warmth I cling to when all grows cold. No more, because how could there be more? No less, because he is what he is, we are what we are.
I was told to expect this, of course. It isn't a complaint, either, merely observation. The changes are subtle, visible with time alone. I wonder what they will be.
Perhaps I will write more tomorrow.
danaewhispering, I snagged #17 of your winter icons, and have credited you. :) To many others of you, it wouldn't be appropriate to repeat what I would say here, but please be assured I am reading, and thinking of you. Just two days ago I finally figured out a large part of my reticence - somewhere along the line I became quite worried about how my writings might be taken by people on my friends list. Not that there's anyone who made me start thinking along such lines, not by any stretch, but it seems like there was an internal editor, going hyper-vigilant. If I was happy about something, particularly things relationship-oriented, I felt concern over those having difficulty in that arena. If it was financial happiness, or conversely financial stress, I felt concern over those who are in straits much, much worse than my paltry frustrations. If I was unhappy, particularly about marriage planning, or even generalized relationship stress, I felt unwilling to air dirty laundry. Take all of those concerns, and I'd have to take up fanfic writing to have anything to post about.
How to deal with this is rather difficult, because while I now can verbalize these concerns, I can't simply wish them away. However, I feel something lacking in my diminished presence here, and a small sense of loss of this as my space to say whatever I wish. I'm going to attempt to reclaim it as such, although I feel a lot of internal resistance at doing so.
That said...
Sir and I married on November 29. It was a small 'ceremony', if it even can be called that, in the living room of an old friend of Sirs'. Afterwards we went out to dinner with our officiant (aforementioned friend) and Sirs' parents, who were our witnesses. I wore my dark rose chuba, for those who are curious about such details, and Sir wore the vest I made him, at my request. We made no vows - when our officiant asked if we wanted to, I looked at Sir and said; "It's all been said." Our ceremony was a short series of questions, the frame of which I found in a web copy of a Buddhist ceremony, and emailed back and forth with Sir till we'd hammered it into our desired shape. There was some stammering, giggling, and a great deal of me looking like I'd gotten hit of the head with a board. (i don't know why, we've been together for nearly eight years already). While it wasn't the wedding I precisely wanted that's not really much of an issue - I'm far more interested in being married than getting married, it was still nice. It got the job done, which is the important part.
It's a lot like turning 13, or graduating college, it seems. Fussfussfuss, and then 'Wait...what?', an expectation isn't meant, because fundamentally, nothing is changed. He is still the planet I orbit, the warmth I cling to when all grows cold. No more, because how could there be more? No less, because he is what he is, we are what we are.
I was told to expect this, of course. It isn't a complaint, either, merely observation. The changes are subtle, visible with time alone. I wonder what they will be.
Perhaps I will write more tomorrow.
