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Aug. 17th, 2005 02:15 amReading Yoga and the Quest for the True Self right now, after a productive trip to the Strand. (I have to admit, the title does make me giggle a bit.) It's quite good, and unusually, I'm finding myself quite engaged by his writing style, I often find modren psycho-spiritual texts to be dry, or slow going.
Several things are striking me, at about 60 pages in. The first is something I've been thinking about recently, and it seems others around me are thinking along similar lines. In looking for a spiritual community I generally find *no* luck. Many of the local Buddhist communities here in NYC have a 'vibe' that I just don't feel comfortable with - they're just too 'hip' for me (I can not believe I'm forced to use these words, but nothing else fits), or, I'm too easily intimidated, which I will cop too quit easily, I often consider myself treading the thin line between shy and agoraphobic. (I drop the rent check into the office's mailbox rather than actually have to hand it to the secretary - how silly is that!?) Spiritual communities aside, I have the same problem forming friendships, but then again, friendships, at least what I invision as friendship is indistinguishable from a spiritual community. Cope talks about "Transformational space" and his thoughts on it resonate with me pretty strongly. He lists several things they have in common, and a possible list of 'what to look for'. One of his points that made me laugh at myself a little was; "They do not have to be perfect." In searching for a spiritual community I seem to easily fall into the trap of searching for a knight in shining armor, or a 'soul-mate'. Looking at this from a more detatched perspective, I think that holds me back, and could even quite possibly be a way I hide from myself and my fears. In something so vulnerable as a friendship or a spiritual community, the idea of being 'seen through', or 'seen as I really am' is terrifying. After all, the reason I'm even musing over ideas of the spirit is because I feel a lack of something without those considerations. Even more bluntly, I feel flawed on a fundamental level, and that inhibits how I relate to myself and the world. By filling myself up with fear, intimidation and excuses, I just excuse myself from the game, because I'm afraid other people will see how flawed I am. Even if that's irrational, the possibility of being called on my real issues, like my hiding, like my relating to the world in a purely defensive posture, like all of the little quirks and foibles I use to concoct my 'self as project'. In the space I'm in within my life as it is, I don't know how I'd cope with that. I'm afraid.
So I'll be afraid. Maybe I'll even *say* I'm afraid, make friends with it. Maybe I'll get burned, hurt. I'll heal. I'll most likely grow, too. Now, I don't know exactly what I plan to *do* with these ideas, but it's late, and tomorrow is another day.
(In which I'm going to see March of the Penquins. Yay!)
Several things are striking me, at about 60 pages in. The first is something I've been thinking about recently, and it seems others around me are thinking along similar lines. In looking for a spiritual community I generally find *no* luck. Many of the local Buddhist communities here in NYC have a 'vibe' that I just don't feel comfortable with - they're just too 'hip' for me (I can not believe I'm forced to use these words, but nothing else fits), or, I'm too easily intimidated, which I will cop too quit easily, I often consider myself treading the thin line between shy and agoraphobic. (I drop the rent check into the office's mailbox rather than actually have to hand it to the secretary - how silly is that!?) Spiritual communities aside, I have the same problem forming friendships, but then again, friendships, at least what I invision as friendship is indistinguishable from a spiritual community. Cope talks about "Transformational space" and his thoughts on it resonate with me pretty strongly. He lists several things they have in common, and a possible list of 'what to look for'. One of his points that made me laugh at myself a little was; "They do not have to be perfect." In searching for a spiritual community I seem to easily fall into the trap of searching for a knight in shining armor, or a 'soul-mate'. Looking at this from a more detatched perspective, I think that holds me back, and could even quite possibly be a way I hide from myself and my fears. In something so vulnerable as a friendship or a spiritual community, the idea of being 'seen through', or 'seen as I really am' is terrifying. After all, the reason I'm even musing over ideas of the spirit is because I feel a lack of something without those considerations. Even more bluntly, I feel flawed on a fundamental level, and that inhibits how I relate to myself and the world. By filling myself up with fear, intimidation and excuses, I just excuse myself from the game, because I'm afraid other people will see how flawed I am. Even if that's irrational, the possibility of being called on my real issues, like my hiding, like my relating to the world in a purely defensive posture, like all of the little quirks and foibles I use to concoct my 'self as project'. In the space I'm in within my life as it is, I don't know how I'd cope with that. I'm afraid.
So I'll be afraid. Maybe I'll even *say* I'm afraid, make friends with it. Maybe I'll get burned, hurt. I'll heal. I'll most likely grow, too. Now, I don't know exactly what I plan to *do* with these ideas, but it's late, and tomorrow is another day.
(In which I'm going to see March of the Penquins. Yay!)
