"I keep sending little kites"

It's odd, the moments old memories and soft regrets pop up. For some reason I can't quite understand, I've been thinking about Chicago lately, and A. Good memories, Saturday mornings in Lake Forest, peaceful Sundays, the great joys of a library card, the apartment in Little Fort (so much easier to keep clean than this one!). You know, the times when we got it right. There was a lot we got right, but it was like the little girl with the little curl - when it was good it was very good, when it was bad...Hooo, boy. Horrid. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad we split up - we were rotten for each other, but in the softness of hindsight, it's a shame it all went down so spectacularly. That's my big regret.

After all, look at telescope_merc, who is my first long term ex, and one of my best friends to this very day. (waves) I tried to stay friends with T, but we drifted apart quite far. Less and less in common, I suppose, and I don't think he ever forgave me for my suicide attempt, back when I was 20.

No one wants to be the villan in somebody elses' story, I suppose. Even so, I guess that we're all a villan in a story or two. Sometimes I just wish it could be different, clean up the old messes with the wisdom we've gained over the years. Or, I could just be being crackheaded.

"And I know I'm nobody's angel"

Forgiveness is a concept I seem to wrestle with in cycles, my biggest personal demon. skygypsy commented to my musing on being the villan in someone elses story - i try to appease my pain of the villian's role by allowing that at the time, i acted to my full capabilities

Can I say that? I don't know...I don't know how I *could* know, for certain, It's too easy to say yes, and entirely too easy to give myself the lie in the same breath. Perhaps...Perhaps that's not the point, or not my point, at least not now. Perhaps that's just a trap I'm laying for myself, a way to get stuck in endless back and forth conversations with myself in the dark. Perhaps the best way to keep myself in motion is to sidestep that question entirely. Whether or not I acted to my full capabilities I can't say, but I can say I tried, and I tried to uphold my honor...If I failed, well, that's not my question to answer. Even if I did uphold what I thought to be honorable, I *damn* *well* *know* I made mistakes. I was wronged, and I did wrong as well, that's all there is to it, truly. The inspirations for the wrongs are irrelevant, in the fullness of time. All that comes left is...surrender, I guess. What does forgiveness really mean, after all? Dictionary.com is surprisingly unhelpful, although "to grant pardon without harboring resentment" sounds like a reasonable place to start.

I think where it comes down to surrender for my is saying "What I did, what I could have done, the things I can't even name that were at work, none of that matters. All that matters is I was wronged, and I did wrong. I can't change it, but I can learn from it, and I have. Now, in the end, it's all over, and there is peace. I am at peace with the wrongs done to me, and granted grace, will make peace with my own wrongs."

I may be nobody's angel, but I do learn.