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Aug. 21st, 2003 06:56 pmI did a couple of swatches for a tam I'll be working on as Faire knitting (Since Sir meets a lot of friends there, and I tend to wander off to give them time to catch up, some knitting would be nice, while hunting up listenable music) and in the evening started back on the baby sweater for ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
magnifelyn, but my wrist began to ache sharply, so I've put the knitting aside for tonight, and just finished stretching out a needlepoint canvas on a frame. (It's my left wrist, so handsewing is fine) It's a little annoying though, as I'm near done the sweater, anxious to see how it turns out, and get it in the mail. Luckily, it's going to be big,so I've time.
Still been turning over some of the same few issues in my mind. There's a friend I need to find a reasonable time to brace over something, as I've let an issue sit too long, and I want it addressed. It never seemed like a 'good time' for it, but there's a sincere lack of godd times for such things in said friends life, so I might as well do it.
Also on my mind for a few days now are issues of body inage and religion (not together, I just ricochet between them) Religion will be a long post, whenever I can get to it, but my fingers are being stupid tonight, so I'll just muse about body image.
I always feel a little odd talking about it in public, or even in a forum like this, where I'm obstensibly writing for no one but myself. For those who've never seen me, I'm 6'2", and 133 pounds, or I was when I was last weighed. I lost a few pounds during my last illness, so now who knows. We don't have a scale, as I can't have one around without getting somewhat crazed about it. The first thing I did when we moved back into Sir's house after X moved out was throw away the scale.
Being thin, I find myself in odd positions. People will say strange things in my presence, like talking about Torrid, a clothing store for 'plus sizes' (whatever that means) as 'clothes for real women". I blink at them, stunned. And hurt, really. Out to dinner with people, sometimes it's said to me when I'm done my meal "So when are you going to actually eat?" (I have a small appetite, and a delicate stomach.) On a good day, when I'm eating well, sometimes the conversation will go to weight and diets and someone will say something about anyone who's a size 6 being anorexic. That particular time, I was rapidly putting away a plate of fried chicken, and looked up, incredulous.
So, as you can see, I have to fight a wall in myself, when I want to try and study my body issues. You see, I look at my body....and I don't like what I see. I'm thin...but I don't feel like I am. I feel too large, like take up too much space, like I
*am* too much space, and want so badly to be less. It's so hard to say that, both because of the difficulty in making myself talk about it, and the difficulty of finding words that express in adequately. I don't seem to have the vocabulary.
I've fought with anorexia for years. The fight has gotten easier, but I can feel that little demon in the back of my mind, forcing my eyes to the mirror, or to my stomach, or thighs, berating me, or even more insidiously, whispering "Just a few more pounds...Work out a little harder, eat a little less, just a few more pounds and you'll be really beautiful."
magnifelyn, but my wrist began to ache sharply, so I've put the knitting aside for tonight, and just finished stretching out a needlepoint canvas on a frame. (It's my left wrist, so handsewing is fine) It's a little annoying though, as I'm near done the sweater, anxious to see how it turns out, and get it in the mail. Luckily, it's going to be big,so I've time. Still been turning over some of the same few issues in my mind. There's a friend I need to find a reasonable time to brace over something, as I've let an issue sit too long, and I want it addressed. It never seemed like a 'good time' for it, but there's a sincere lack of godd times for such things in said friends life, so I might as well do it.
Also on my mind for a few days now are issues of body inage and religion (not together, I just ricochet between them) Religion will be a long post, whenever I can get to it, but my fingers are being stupid tonight, so I'll just muse about body image.
I always feel a little odd talking about it in public, or even in a forum like this, where I'm obstensibly writing for no one but myself. For those who've never seen me, I'm 6'2", and 133 pounds, or I was when I was last weighed. I lost a few pounds during my last illness, so now who knows. We don't have a scale, as I can't have one around without getting somewhat crazed about it. The first thing I did when we moved back into Sir's house after X moved out was throw away the scale.
Being thin, I find myself in odd positions. People will say strange things in my presence, like talking about Torrid, a clothing store for 'plus sizes' (whatever that means) as 'clothes for real women". I blink at them, stunned. And hurt, really. Out to dinner with people, sometimes it's said to me when I'm done my meal "So when are you going to actually eat?" (I have a small appetite, and a delicate stomach.) On a good day, when I'm eating well, sometimes the conversation will go to weight and diets and someone will say something about anyone who's a size 6 being anorexic. That particular time, I was rapidly putting away a plate of fried chicken, and looked up, incredulous.
So, as you can see, I have to fight a wall in myself, when I want to try and study my body issues. You see, I look at my body....and I don't like what I see. I'm thin...but I don't feel like I am. I feel too large, like take up too much space, like I
*am* too much space, and want so badly to be less. It's so hard to say that, both because of the difficulty in making myself talk about it, and the difficulty of finding words that express in adequately. I don't seem to have the vocabulary.
I've fought with anorexia for years. The fight has gotten easier, but I can feel that little demon in the back of my mind, forcing my eyes to the mirror, or to my stomach, or thighs, berating me, or even more insidiously, whispering "Just a few more pounds...Work out a little harder, eat a little less, just a few more pounds and you'll be really beautiful."
