Aug. 9th, 2003

jadegirl: (traceyourhand)
I feel somewhat odd/vulnerable talking about this...It's one of my little secrets, one of those things I'm utterly convinced is either perfectly normal or utterly insane.

I suspect it's only getting to me so badly because of my hormones (due to being sick I wasn't able to take care of that little problem my usual way, so I'm a bit more symptomatic than is usual). I lave always lived inside my own head to one degree or another, preferring my rich fantasy worlds to the plodding of day to day existence. I don't do it as much anymore, but when I was in my teens I'm surprised I wasn't run over crossing the street, I could be that oblivious to the world around me. Still, sometimes those worlds in my head call to me, siren voices luring me away from a life revolving around dishes, cat litter, and clean floors.

It got really bad after going to the movies the other night. Pirates of the Carribean is a fun movie, nothing special, but fun. I think that's part of why I feel so silly writing about this, that something so obviously designed/shallow would remind me so visceraly of the halls of my own mind. Still it appealed to me, the fantasy of it, and getting the coffee ready for the morning just seemed like an impossible letdown.

Talking it over in the shower Sir mentioned Pussy Willow and I nodded excitedly, so relieved that my oddity was met with validation, both from him and the song itself. We talked on, about how sometimes my daily life seems so deadly dull, the same dishes, every day, my biggest accomplishment for the week being a clean refrigerator, and the conflicts within myself over that,. because I know full well how good my life is, and how, when considering all possible worlds, I'd not have it any other way. We talked a bit more, and then he sang Seal Driver to me, as I bit my lip and felt grateful the water falling on my face from the shower hid my tears.

I know, I know, I know that I have a good life, and the full knowledge of its goodness shakes my very soul, and makes me feel so terribly unworthy of it. But sometimes, sometimes, somewhere. there's so much more.
jadegirl: (Default)
Sunday morning, from 8:30 till about 12, is some of the most precious time in the week for me. Sir is still asleep, and I get up, get the coffee ready, and turn on WXPN to listen to Sleepy Hollow. So, so quiet, so soft and gentle, this time is. Such luxury.

Last nights entry and the comments to it have led to some interesting thought processes. [livejournal.com profile] tezliana asked; " Isn't that at least part of what drives you to do handicrafts? The desire to bring a bit of a dream into your life?" I laughed, remembering the line 'spinning the first run of Spring' I had never thought of it as such, but yes, yes it is. A great deal of what I do for myself, my garden, my art, my crafts, are all ways in which I try to bring a touch of that magic in my mind into this space. For some reason this reminded me of something I read earlier this week, I can't remember who, or where. The author was talking about the sacredness inherent in every part of life, and in giving examples talked about washing his teapot with the same presence, attention, and reverence he would have if he were washing the baby Jesus, or the baby Buddha. My pulling little bits of my magic here is just another way of doing the same. [livejournal.com profile] magnifelyn put it quite well;"Because your longing for something better is exactly what drives you to infuse this life with the stuff of your dreams."

[livejournal.com profile] danaewhispering Talked about feeling some commonality with the conflict I spoke of...That's something I struggle with often, on quite a few levels. We are creatures of moods and passing storms, and sometimes we let them buffet us about more than they really should. A lot of Buddhist texts talk about life as suffering, but one of my dharma teachers said it can be more accurately translated at times as dissatisfaction. That really resonated with me, as I see so many people, myself quite firmly included, always looking elsewhere, always saying "I'd be perfectly happy if only I had x/y/z in my life." I think my biggest quest right now is developing a more instinctual understanding that moods simply are, like the weather, and will pass as all things do and if I just keep looking around me in the here and now, seeing what is, truly paying attention to that, I'll be less battered about by them.

On other levels, the conflict comes from knowing that outside of my own head, this really is the best of all possible worlds for me. It makes moods like the dissatisfaction I was writing about yesterday feel ungrateful, subtly poisoned. I think there's a balance point to be foud between understanding that a passing mood is just that and respecting the fact that in the present moment that's how I feel and that should be honored. My, it gets circular around here, doesn't it? I can know with every fiber of my being that my life is just where I want it and at the same time have a secret wish to run off and join a pirate ship, and both can exist at the same time, and deserve the same respect.
jadegirl: (Path)
Sometimes the idea of a thing gets so wrapped up in our perceptions of self that untangling the two can be problematic in the extreme. When the thing the self is wrapped up in is past events, it can make letting go of them difficult. Because the self is so wrapped up in what happened, the events retain a certain level of immediacy, never becoming truly past, no matter how much work is done on it, or how much time passes.

It's ego, I think, coming back to something [livejournal.com profile] littleblueworld said long and long ago. The self we show to the world is a delicate construction, and has so much invested in it that injury to it leaves deep wounds, but only because we lose the ability to seperate self from construction.

I get clinical when I'm doing a slow burn.

Realizing self and construction of self are two different things is only half the battle, I think. The rest of it is allowing the world, and people, to not make sense, to be chaotic. The rain falls because it does.

Profile

jadegirl: (Default)
jadegirl

November 2010

S M T W T F S
 123 456
78910111213
14151617181920
21222324252627
282930    

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Jul. 12th, 2025 09:53 am
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios