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"Who invented roses?..."
Apr. 12th, 2003 01:09 pmIn the news, the Baghdad mueseum has been looted. Cleaned out entirely. Sweet heaven, save us from ourselves. We destroy the ground we rose to our feet on. So sad, so sad. Babylon has fallen.
I feel strange, exposing so much of the damaged parts of my mind so openly. An insidious voice says I'm just doing it for attention, but I know that's not true. It's an accountability issue. I have let these things sit in my mind, so tangled and sharp, for years, always putting off the day I would confront them Now, as I study and move forward, I realize that that can continue now longer, for how can I develop compassion beyond a superficial level for all beings, if I can't show any to myself? I was trying to fool myself, but I can't do it any longer, the con job must end. Putting it out here makes it hard to turn away from, hard to let my mind skin it like dragonflies over a pond.
There have been times I have seen myself without the stubbornly irrational web of lies laid over my eyes. There have been times I have known myself to be beautiful in all senses, as divine as anyone else. This feeling is so sweet and bitter, it tastes of copper, fresh water, sunlight and wine. It's a food I have never had but always long for, a sight that makes me wish the world would end, so it would be the last thing I saw. So powerful, true, raw and right as it settles over my skin like a blanket...But it's too much, it makes me feel so confused, as if the fundamental assumptions of existence, as if stones themselves are called into question. My breath catches, my heart races, and I turn away as fast as I can.
If I could figure out why it frightens me, the details of what it calls into question, I would have one of the keys, I think.
Jade
I feel strange, exposing so much of the damaged parts of my mind so openly. An insidious voice says I'm just doing it for attention, but I know that's not true. It's an accountability issue. I have let these things sit in my mind, so tangled and sharp, for years, always putting off the day I would confront them Now, as I study and move forward, I realize that that can continue now longer, for how can I develop compassion beyond a superficial level for all beings, if I can't show any to myself? I was trying to fool myself, but I can't do it any longer, the con job must end. Putting it out here makes it hard to turn away from, hard to let my mind skin it like dragonflies over a pond.
There have been times I have seen myself without the stubbornly irrational web of lies laid over my eyes. There have been times I have known myself to be beautiful in all senses, as divine as anyone else. This feeling is so sweet and bitter, it tastes of copper, fresh water, sunlight and wine. It's a food I have never had but always long for, a sight that makes me wish the world would end, so it would be the last thing I saw. So powerful, true, raw and right as it settles over my skin like a blanket...But it's too much, it makes me feel so confused, as if the fundamental assumptions of existence, as if stones themselves are called into question. My breath catches, my heart races, and I turn away as fast as I can.
If I could figure out why it frightens me, the details of what it calls into question, I would have one of the keys, I think.
Jade
