(no subject)

Better today. Partly because I'm looking forward to the 6-10 inches of snow we're supposed to get tomorrow night. Grown-ups need snow days, too! I will admit, though, that I could very much do without the damp chill that's creeping into the apartment.

I don't particularly know why I'm feeling better today. I'll take it, but my mind feels like it's on the edge of an explanation, reaching to show me something I could really use, the thing that will help me get through the long dark. I guess...I guess in part it's about playing my edge, like in yoga, finding the point where I can't get any deeper into the pose, holding myself there, breathing in, and breathing out. As my mind quiets, stops chattering 'ohmigod, phmigod, I'm going to tear/dislocate/seriously hurt something' and goes into a listening mode, my breath moves my body subtly, oh so subtly - and falls past that edge, moving deeper into the pose than I thought possible, until it finds another edge, and the process repeats again. All of life is like that in a way, I think. Playing the edge. When it feels like the tension is killing me, I simply am going to break any minute now no matter what, I take a breath to push the tears away, and the breath deepens, sweeping aside some of the sharpness in my mind, uncovering a well of patience I hadn't known was there.

Waiting is. It's not a magic fix, a sprinkling of fairy dust that makes it all better, just the knowledge that I will do what I do (because what else could I do?), I will come to the edges, and breathe my way past them. It doesn't make the hurt go away, but it shines a light on it, showing it for the simple, little things it usually is, showing where my own delusions come into play. While I'd rather not come so hard upon those edges at all, I know no one has a choice about that, we all find them scattered about our lives. There's a satisfaction here though, in knowing that even though I can't help but slam into the sharp edges of life, I can take my hand and lift them like a curtain, and sit quietly on the other side.

(no subject)

I've seen a lot of people take this test, but it entries by luminatte and vyoma inspired me to take it as well.The results are pretty interesting, and made me laugh at quite a few points.
( I cut because I care )

It's rather odd, really. The results make me think about who I used to be, rather than who I am today, with the hyper-intellectual approach being my baseline, with flights off here and there to abstraction and emotion. I think on some level, because of the 'crisis du jour' back in my early twenties I began to fear my own depths of emotion, felt too battered by the strength with which they would take hold of me, and began to lay down fierce bounds and strict organization. It's actually something I've been thinking about off and on for a while now, just never in such concrete terms, but it's early yet, so perhaps I'll write more about that later.