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Nov. 13th, 2003 09:43 amWe had dinner with Bob tonight at our favorite Italian place in the Village, where we're friends with the chef. Sir introduced Bob to the chef, and so unsurprisingly, our meal was ended with vin santo on the house.
It was a wonderful meal, and the conversation was always lively, and often enlightening. Sir told Bob about his choice to have a vasectomy, and Bob took it quite gracefully, although Sir said his expression made his disappointment quite clear, if only for a moment. We ranged far and wide from there, but Bob seemed to make a specific effort to talk to me directly, drawing me out of my natural reticence. He knows I'm fairly closed, and he and Clare are both fairly closed, so none of us can read each other well, which has caused us some small amount of stress now and then, but now we each try and make the effort to open up, which can be quite fun.
We talked about money, my feelings on it (It's Sir's money, not mine, and everything I have is a gift from him, and on his sufferance being my take on things) and marriage, and my feelings on that. Some things Bob read from me opened my eyes quite widely, and I've done and about-face based on those insights.
I'm afraid of marriage. I'm also afraid of doing Sir the way I've seen so many men done by the women in their lives - I've seen my sister take Joe for all he's got, and I've seen it even more vivid than that, and I don't ever want to be one of those women. The thing I seem to fail to realize is that I'm patently not one of those women. Duh. The other fears come from my being ever so invested in what other people think - I said that we have our roles, we like them, and they seem anathema to the modern perception of what marriage is, so Bob asked me what I though the modern idea of marriage was. I said;"A partnership between equals, of course." He just looked at me for a second and said;"So have an unequal marriage." That hit me like a brick...Oh. Oh. Marriage is whatever we decide it is, isn't it?
Well, yes, Jade. Thank you for joining the rest of the class. I feel so *silly* now.:) It's a good sort of silly though, I know I was holding a strange view, and one that did nothing for me, and now I'm over it. The worst fear, though, comes from the miserable failure that was my last marriage. It's as if I have an expectation that as soon as the ink is dry on the paperwork, things will fall horribly, violently apart, all because that is what happened last time.
"It was a hundred years ago, and besides, the wench is dead." As is becoming thematic for me, I just need to unravel myself from that old noise, because it holds me back. At least I'm getting practiced at that.:)
Don't get me wrong, Sir and I aren't planning on running off to the courthouse - for one thing, I'm not divorced yet! If it does happen, it'll be because Sir wants it, I feel no particular need to. It's just that the idea no longer makes my stomach clench in tension. I'm more open now.
That feels quite good. Everything feels quite good, truth be told. I feel like I'm climbing out of the depression I've been in for so long, and life just has a brighter cast to it. Basically, I'm happy.
That's a little scary, somehow.....I wonder why?
It was a wonderful meal, and the conversation was always lively, and often enlightening. Sir told Bob about his choice to have a vasectomy, and Bob took it quite gracefully, although Sir said his expression made his disappointment quite clear, if only for a moment. We ranged far and wide from there, but Bob seemed to make a specific effort to talk to me directly, drawing me out of my natural reticence. He knows I'm fairly closed, and he and Clare are both fairly closed, so none of us can read each other well, which has caused us some small amount of stress now and then, but now we each try and make the effort to open up, which can be quite fun.
We talked about money, my feelings on it (It's Sir's money, not mine, and everything I have is a gift from him, and on his sufferance being my take on things) and marriage, and my feelings on that. Some things Bob read from me opened my eyes quite widely, and I've done and about-face based on those insights.
I'm afraid of marriage. I'm also afraid of doing Sir the way I've seen so many men done by the women in their lives - I've seen my sister take Joe for all he's got, and I've seen it even more vivid than that, and I don't ever want to be one of those women. The thing I seem to fail to realize is that I'm patently not one of those women. Duh. The other fears come from my being ever so invested in what other people think - I said that we have our roles, we like them, and they seem anathema to the modern perception of what marriage is, so Bob asked me what I though the modern idea of marriage was. I said;"A partnership between equals, of course." He just looked at me for a second and said;"So have an unequal marriage." That hit me like a brick...Oh. Oh. Marriage is whatever we decide it is, isn't it?
Well, yes, Jade. Thank you for joining the rest of the class. I feel so *silly* now.:) It's a good sort of silly though, I know I was holding a strange view, and one that did nothing for me, and now I'm over it. The worst fear, though, comes from the miserable failure that was my last marriage. It's as if I have an expectation that as soon as the ink is dry on the paperwork, things will fall horribly, violently apart, all because that is what happened last time.
"It was a hundred years ago, and besides, the wench is dead." As is becoming thematic for me, I just need to unravel myself from that old noise, because it holds me back. At least I'm getting practiced at that.:)
Don't get me wrong, Sir and I aren't planning on running off to the courthouse - for one thing, I'm not divorced yet! If it does happen, it'll be because Sir wants it, I feel no particular need to. It's just that the idea no longer makes my stomach clench in tension. I'm more open now.
That feels quite good. Everything feels quite good, truth be told. I feel like I'm climbing out of the depression I've been in for so long, and life just has a brighter cast to it. Basically, I'm happy.
That's a little scary, somehow.....I wonder why?
