I will.

I will put aside my fear, hide my shaking hands, the waves of nausea my shattered nerves course over me with.

I will speak with grace, and guide with a gentle hand when that is needed.

I will be silent and attentive, when objections crowd my tongue.

I will chain my anger outdoors, instead I will surrender to whatever the future brings.

I will take troubles, and turn them into art.

This is a test, only a test.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Breathe in.

I'm not dealing with this well. Not nearly up to my standards, which becomes a downward spiral of its own. I think, however, that what is making it so hard is the combination of quitting smoking and dealing with this at the same time. There's stress, and there's ohmygodimgoingtolosemyHOUSE. Part of me thinks it's insane to expect me to cope with both at once, but I tell that voice to shut up. After all, I'm not overflowing with options.

We've moved past panic into plans-looking over real estate listings so we know what our options are, manuvering finances so we have a large amount in savings to draw from, basically, we're doing everything we can, because there actually *isn't* a lot we can do. It's all in the lawyers hands right now, and we really won't know what to concentrate on till the lawyer gets moving. (Good news- there *is* precedent. A neighbor told Sir that his daughter inherited from his mother- so grandchild inheritances have happened). If it's his credit report, well, there were extenuating circumstances in regards to the mortgage, which should be fairly obvious, looking at finances then and now.

I *think* I should be more confident than I am, but for crying out loud, I can't cope with any more surprises. "Like all good Orientals, I am a fatalist. That way when something good happens, I am pleasantly surprised." -Gaston Leroux _The Phantom of the Opera_

I'm trying to do my best. I catch myself when I get out of line, but I'm not happy with how often I've had to do that. I'm trying.
It's so hard.

I'll do better.

Jade