Feb. 22nd, 2010

jadegirl: (Need Fantasies)
I've often felt of late that I have had things I wanted to make note of here, but for some reason that act of typing them out has been put off and off until whatever it was slipped my mind, or otherwise seemed unimportant.

I've been putting a lot more of my energy into outside life, though. I've joined a group that is trying to start a food co-op in my local area, for one - I'm on the development committee researching and applying for grants, financial help from local politicians, etc., etc. It's going...ok. The finance committee is responsible for getting the feasibility study done, and we've even found a grad student willing to do it as a school project, but the committee hasn't actually *moved* on any of that yet. Considering the very *point* of a feasibility study is to discover whether or not this idea has a chance in hell of coming to fruition, that's rather important! I am offering my time, not *wasting* it.

There's also the book group (waves), our latest meeting was yesterday, on a selection of H.P. Lovecraft stories. I'd never read any Lovecraft before, and really got a lot out of the discussion and the reading of it. While I was reading them I spent a lot of time thinking about the following/near-adulation Lovecraft has gained. I suppose that had influenced my reading of them, because I was honestly surprised that I didn't find them very frightening or disturbing in the reading. However, after reading six stories in one go, the next two nights I literally woke up gasping from nightmares. That sort of insidiousness is really impressive, and I'm honestly still trying to work out exactly what had gotten under my skin like that, all unaware.

All this sociability has a cost, however. It's not the sort of thing where one can sit quietly and observe, rather the whole point is to interact, engage with other people. I've always been an awkward-feeling sort, the school outcast, etc. I can spend literally days after any outing going over every single aspects of it, trying to figure out where I've misspoken or otherwise done something 'wrong'. Even if I can't point out a moment to regret (I frequently can!), I can agonize interminably over knowing that there must be something, even if I don't know what it is. This gets exhausting, and sometimes makes me wonder if it's worth it. I feel strongly that it is, because in the moment I can enjoy myself, it's just the aftermath that troubles me.

There is much to enjoy, too. On the 13th there's going to be a steampunk-oriented outing to the New York Public Library, with a guided tour. Even having lived here for 10 years, I've never actually been to the Main Library!

At home things are rather quiet, if busy. I'm doing a deep cleaning of the house, starting from one corner of the kitchen and working my way through the entire place, purging junk and scrubbing everything within an inch of my life - my tools have included q-tips and toothbrushes. We're getting rid of a lot, and the theory is that once the project is done the entirety will be easier to maintain in a more near-pristine state. This is the theory. This has frequently been the theory, but practice has been harder. So, we'll see. I have high hopes though - it's been three weeks since I started, and one morning a week is devoted to going over what has already been done, maintaining it.

I've also been making more of an effort to dress in the Victorian Gothic style I mentioned a while back. I'm quite happy, it's amazing how much I enjoy going out and about when I'm utterly, perfectly pleased with how I look. I feel very happy and confident, and I'm sure that comes across in my body language. I get somewhat more notice than I used to, but I've always sucked at fading into the background, so it's no thing, just sometimes amusing, in the "I just saw a guy with a magenta mohawk riding a unicycle, surely you can't find *me* all that unusual." sort of way. I frequently get compliments, too, which just adds to the happiness. I'm glad I finally let go of my insecurities around it and began dressing to please myself. Now if my social insecurities could be fixed with a new dress...! However, I find people taking pictures of me without my permission a bit rude - I used to get paid for that!

I'm looking forward to finishing the house project, and having more time to devote to my art. Lots of plans bubbling under the surface there! Since money is tight and new art to brighten up a newly clean house is a little out of my range, I'm planning on doing a few small pieces and offering them up for trade with the artists on my friends list, considering I'm blessed with so many talented ones.

On a final, but joyful note, happy birthday [livejournal.com profile] wlotus!


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